Parental development

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

• -1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
• -2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• -3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

• -1st baby: You pour over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
• -2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
• -3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

• -1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• -2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• -3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

• -1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
• -2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
• -3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

• -1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
• -2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
• -3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier

• -1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
• -2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
• -3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering

• -1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
• -2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
• -3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities

• -1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
• -2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
• -3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

• -1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
• -2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
• -3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

• -1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
• -2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
• -3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

How to know whether or not you are ready for parenthood

Ok, so I ranted about email forwards but this one is hilarious- and true. Especially the "dressing test."

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa & curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed & rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch & leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. DO NOT SCREAM! (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) & take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight & pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one, large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag & fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz & hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag & set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, & sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more & sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set your alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up & make breakfast. Keep this up for at least 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large bean-bag chair & attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office & arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home & read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, & child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

BREAKING NEWS!

:)